literature

Real Heroes Don't Sparkle

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About three things I was absolutely positive.

First, Edward was a vampire.

Second, there was a part of him-and I didn't know how potent that part might be-that thirsted for my blood.

And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with—


"Agent Hill, what are you reading?"

"Oh," the dark-haired woman blushed deeply, tucking the book under some unfinished paperwork on her desk. "It's one of those vampire romance novels. I, uh, wanted to see what all the fuss was about."

"This is pretty well-worn," Coulson remarked, picking it up and observing the battered spine. "Hardly a first-time read." He smiled at his coworker and tossed it back onto the table. Hill opened her mouth to respond, fumbling for words, but was saved by the merciful entrance of Tony Stark and Steve Rogers.

"Hey, Agent Phil," the billionaire playboy and owner of the tower that housed their temporary onsite S.H.I.E.L.D. offices called over as he offhandedly crumpled an unread business report and tossed it effortlessly into a nearby trashcan. "You interested in a vacation?"

"Did Fury really approve anything with the word 'vacation' attached to it?"

"Strictly speaking, no. What he approved was my leave for a business trip to Seattle. I have to check in on a branch office there and he insisted I take a S.H.I.E.L.D. liaison." Stark rolled his eyes melodramatically at the insinuation that he would ever require supervision.

"What does liaison entail, strictly speaking?" Ordeals where Stark was concerned were rarely ever by the book.

"Silencing your cell phone while we toss back mimosa on a private jet."

Coulson shrugged nonchalantly. "I'm game."

"Attaboy," Tony clapped him on the shoulder. "You know, I like you a lot better ever since you came back from the dead."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"Take it however you want, but be on the helipad in half an hour. I'd tell you to pack light, but seeing as how you only ever wear one outfit, I doubt that will be an issue. Really, though, you'd think Earth's Mightiest Heroes could stand to outfit their office staff with a bit more savoir faire. Monogrammed tracksuits or something."

"So half an hour?" Agent Coulson clarified, interrupting Stark's musings.

"Yep. Don't make me wait."

"I wouldn't dream of it."

"Good. Come on, Capsicle." Tony grabbed Steve by the elbow and tugged him out of the room, away from a delicate computer operation that had almost suffered a fatal error at Steve's curious but inexperienced fingertips. Coulson smiled and shook his head, turning back to Agent Hill's desk.

"You'll screen my calls while I'm away on business?"

"You mean away partying and shirking your real duties?" she scowled. "You know Director Fury wouldn't approve—"

"Well, Agent Hill, he did approve it, and if he agrees to sending Stark away and doesn't expect the man to be completely irresponsible with himself, then he needs to have his good eye examined. I'll see you in a few days."

"Where are you going?" Hill called after him as he turned to leave.

"To pack my monogrammed tracksuit."

****

That evening found Coulson, along with Stark, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, and Bruce Banner, lounging in a Seattle high-rise apartment, very much off-duty.

"Some business trip, Stark," Bruce commented, looking out at the skyline.

"Yeah, about that. The term 'business trip' really kind of legitimizes it, doesn't it?" Tony was amusing himself by flipping through a garish tourism guide featuring a cartoonish Space Needle emblazoned with 'Welcome to Seattle!' on its front, frequently folding complex paper airplanes out of pages he deemed unimportant.

"Only in theory," Bruce replied. "So I'm guessing you didn't really need a physics consultant to analyze wavelength anomalies at your Seattle location?"

"Oh, the Seattle office isn't even operable yet. But if I'd told you that, you would have never agreed to come, even if I am paying you consultant fees either way." He grinned and pelted Bruce with one of his more hastily folded airplanes.

"I'm beginning to think I'm an idiot for agreeing to anything with you, no matter what the terms are."

"Come on, Banner. You know you love it. If not, you'll just have to deal with it or go green."

"Don't call it that," Bruce moaned. "Please."

"Why not? That make you angry?"

"Well it really kind of…legitimizes it," he couldn't help but smile as he stole Tony's earlier words. The room erupted in laughter almost immediately.

"Was that a joke? From Dr. Killjoy? Wow, I'd say you gave me a heart attack, except that's literally impossible."

Suddenly Tony's jovial countenance darkened as one of the pages he turned to caught his eye. He frowned deeply and hurled the book at the wall.

"Jeez, Stark, what was that?" Coulson leapt from his chair as the book whizzed past his head.

"I am so sick and tired of those stupid…I don't even know what they're called!"

"What?" Steve was even more perplexed than usual.

"Those…books! With the sappy vampire stories!"

Coulson picked up the book where it had landed and flipped to the advertisement Tony had so vehemently despised. He recognized the cover of the book agent Hill had been reading earlier that morning.

"Twilight," he mused. "Apparently they're some sort of big deal here because they're set in a town not far from Seattle."

"They're not a big deal anywhere," Tony sulked. "Just a drug for sniveling teenagers."

"It's a good thing anger issues aren't your problem," Bruce remarked ironically.

"Yeah, why does this book bother you so badly?"

"Pepper was reading one the other day," the petulant billionaire grumbled, folding his arms moodily as he sunk lower into his chair. "I don't get it. She's dating one of the most powerful, attractive, notable men in the world. I'm a superhero, for crying out loud! What does she need those emo-punk harlequins for?"

"Aren't the characters in those books supposed to have some kinda superpowers?" Clint asked. "Maybe people just look up to them for that. Kinda like us. Think they're heroes."

"Real heroes do not sparkle," Tony scowled.

"'Mkay," Clint agreed, tending to his drink. "Then maybe they need to see what real superpowers are. We could pay them a visit."

"They don't exist, Clint," Coulson reminded him. "They're fictional characters."

"Hey, it's gotta be based in something. I mean, you own the entire series of Captain America comic books."

Coulson blushed and Steve got a look of utter puzzlement across his features, but both were ignored in favor of the current conversation.

"Alright then, Legolas," Tony continued. "Good idea. How far is it to this bloodsucker breeding ground?"

"Whoa, hang on a second," Coulson intervened. "I get that you guys don't like these stupid books, but is it really worth all this? Fury would have our heads for…"

In response, Tony brought up a holographic screen displaying an excerpt from the book. After a few sentences, Coulson's face twisted into a mask of disgust.

"Let's gut 'em all."

****

"Bella," Edward whispered in seductive hushed tones. "I want nothing more than to lie with you in this sparkling daisy meadow for eternity."

"Okay," said Bella.

"But I'm a monster." His captivating liquid topaz eyes smoldered with internal frustration and pain that shone out across centuries. "And it's better for both of us if I leave you the way you are, vulnerable and unprotected from my monster tendencies or those of the multiple people who keep trying to kill you."

"Not okay," said Bella.

Edward's crystal countenance suddenly turned to fury as he bared his disappointingly normal-looking teeth and threw a tree across the meadow.

"Don't you see? Something could hurt you. I could hurt you. Even though we're passionately in love and you're helpless without me, I'm convinced that you don't reciprocate my feelings and I have to leave you."

"Still not okay," Bella said, with slightly more emotion than usual.

"It's because I care," Edward's indescribably gorgeous eyes softened with concern. Also he smelled really good apparently. "And I don't want anything to happen to you."

"Too late."

A massive beam of energy erupted into the clearing, instantly incinerating the trees that surrounded it and blackening the air with particles of smoke and soot. Through the haze, coming towards him, Edward could see only vague shadowy figures, glints of light on metal, and, in the center of it all, a menacing blue glow and a pair of cold bright mechanical eyes. A metallic whine followed by two more orbs of light indicated that he had only seconds before whatever had hit moments ago would hit again, and this time it would find a new target.

"Wow," said Bella.

Edward gathered his beloved in his arms, clutching her to his sexy rock-hard vampire chest, and ran nimbly through the forest, skipping gracefully like a totally masculine gazelle. The sounds of pursuit rang in his ears, his attackers close at hand. Impulsively, he ran for home, desperate to warn the others.

He was met at the front door by Alice, who despite resembling a pixie in every describable way was in fact a vampire.

"Edward," she chimed in her pixie voice. "What's wrong? I had a vampire vision of you suddenly being attacked by—"

The front porch exploded in a maelstrom of debris. Screams of alarm and shock pierced the air as the rest of the unbelievably attractive Cullens ran to see what the problem was.

"You'd all better back off," Edward growled at the incomers, curving protectively over Bella. "We're vampires."

"Well," a dark-suited man stepped out of the forest toward them. "Meet the Avengers."

Edward noticed too late the enormous gun in his hands, which exploded in a burst of unstoppable energy that hurtled toward them at lightning speed. Alice, with her magical future seeing powers, managed to avoid the attack, but Jasper, the moodiest and most angsty of the vampires, was instantly blown apart by the force of the awesome weapon. The other vampires reacted at lightning speed, hurling themselves at the Avengers with brute force and blazingly fast attacks. They were deflected with ease by repulsor beams, tesseract-fueled gun blasts, deadly accurate arrows, and a glinting star-spangled shield. Edward and Alice called out directions to the other vampires, using their vampire magic to predict the enemy attacks and stay one step ahead.

Bella stood off to the side of the clearing, her face an emotionless mask.

"Okay," she said.

The fighting raged on, a mess of violence and brutality punctuated by blasts of fire and nuclear energy, interspersed with arrows and gunshots and battle calls.

"Wait!" Edward suddenly stopped, his smoldering topaz eyes widening as he heard a new voice in his head. "There's another o—"

With a wall of sheer force, the Hulk erupted onto the scene, hurling trees and fragments of house in impossible ways. In mere instants the vampire coven was reduced to shreds of torn limbs and sparkling remnants. Bella died promptly of a heart attack.

The other Avengers stepped out into the middle of the clearing to surround the reverted Dr. Banner, his chest heaving with exertion as he regained his regular consciousness. He stood and steadied himself on Tony Stark's arm, looking up to meet the eyes of his friends.

"That was…unexpected," Steve commented.

"Yeah, I thought you were against using the Other Guy to solve your conflicts on purpose."

"It wasn't on purpose," Banner admitted. "I couldn't help it."

"What, er, pushed you over the edge?" Coulson asked with some trepidation.

"I was watching the fight from behind cover of the trees, and…I noticed that they sparkle. Ugh," he spat with disgust. "They SPARKLE. I just couldn't contain myself."

They all nodded sympathetically, murmuring support and agreement. Tony pulled out his cell phone and snapped a self-picture of the Avengers in the clearing.

"What are you doing?" Clint asked.

"Oh, just sending Pepper a friendly reminder," Tony explained. "She can read any stupid book she likes, but she'd better not forget—Real heroes don't sparkle."
This was written for the thoroughly lovely :icongypsymaid: <3 She's a marvelous individual and a fantastic writer, and this was my half of an agreed sort of fanfic swap [hers is much better].

So yeah, the entire premise behind this is honestly just an excuse to have the Avengers completely destroy the Twilight vampires. It makes no sense. It is thoroughly unfounded. And it felt really, really good to write.

I regret nothing.

The first few sentences, as well as the Cullen vampires (and Bella) belong to Stephenie Meyer. I neither deserve nor desire credit for them. She can have them.
The Avengers belong to Marvel, and I do wish I could take some sort of ownership of them.
© 2012 - 2024 moderndayminstrel
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ladyblackbird13's avatar
OH MY GOD I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!